Fear is something that hits me right before I drift off to sleep at times. It’s the panicky feeling where I start to hyperventilate and my palms get clammy.
I hate this feeling.
It comes before I sleep because it is only then when I am the least on guard and when I relax my control. When the world is quiet and my thoughts seep in.
There are many things that I fear but here my most biggest fears:
So many hopes, so many dreams….yet what if you don’t achieve it? It seems like we are racing against time and time is winning. I don’t want to see myself 10 years from now settling with a job that I don’t really feel passionate about, a husband whom doesn’t light my fire, a house where I just occupy because its only what I can afford and looking at myself in the mirror knowing I gave in to what was convenient to settle with and not what I know I was destined for. I don’t want to settle.
I am a controlling person, I’ll admit that. I like knowing the outcome of the situations I find myself in. So when it comes to having a mental illness, where control of your body/mind is out of the question, I am freaking out. This fear has been on the back-burner but has just stemmed once again due to the viewing of Shutter Island. I am afraid one day a traumatic event will occur and my mind will not be able to cope…then snap. I lose control of my mind and body. I don’t want to be mental.
It’s the big elephant in the room. We all know it’s going to happen eventually. But when? Where? How? These questions plague me. Not only regarding me but those I love as well. As they pass, a piece of me dies with them. Never, never taking a breath again? Being in the ground? Not knowing, not feeling, not concious….absolute blackness for all eternity. Yeah…that gives me cold flashes. I don’t want to die.
I guess this is what makes life unpredictable and lively, the feeling of fear.